Yeah, I'm back again. Spent an entire two hours staring at the ceiling and watching it sit there, silent and immobile. Maybe I'm just reminescing because of the movie I watched, something I hadn't seen since I was really young. The Seven Faces of Dr. Lao, I used to watch it all the time when I was little? Somewhere along the way, I must've just forgotten about it until I was flipping through the channels. Odd that I got that gorgon banner, because of the Medusa bit in the flick, too? Maybe that was just something residual. Although I tried to take that test over again (after not taking it for months) and, even though I couldn't remember what I answered before, I still got "you're a gorgon" at the end. *sighs* No wonder I'm single, huh?
     Oh now, don't get me wrong. I'm getting very well-adjusted to being this way. It causes one to rely on themselves, and thus makes me a stronger person, I believe. I'd much rather rely on myself, than have the added confusion of another's opinion to take into account. But that's really another matter that I don't like to talk about, so I'll simply get to what is really bothering me and bury all that old romantic crap back where it belongs...
     Most anyone who knows me, knows I'm up all hours of the night. And they might think it's all the coffee I drink, but really, it's not. My brain simply spills stuff over, either from years ago or from present day things I am confronted with. And with nothing but a ceiling to stare at, there isn't much of a way to get any resolution to these things, either. Lately, though, the majority of what I think about for hours at a time, is about that creature who is somehow related to me....my mother.

      Really, I don't see any reason why posting this up will help matters and I don't ever try to obtain sympathy for anything. Especially this? But I think I just need to get it off my chest so I don't seethe about it so much. My mother and I have never gotten along, ever. We never met eye to eye about anything. According to her, I am a "constant disappointment" and I dressed like a "homeless orphan girl." I wore too much black, once shaved almost all of my hair off, had my nose pierced despite her criticism, and was never friendly nor social enough. Of course, this was beyond being a rebellious teenager, because it started far before that point in time. After years of being primped and preened like a barbie doll, I started to become a bit more sullen and she lost interest, perhaps. She took me to a hairdresser and had all my hair cut off, around that point. And from the fourth grade up, I woke up to an alarm clock and dressed myself for school. I came home and the house was usually empty because she was gone & my Dad was at work, so I watched cartoons. It wasn't that major of a ordeal for me, I rather liked it. It meant that things were quiet there and that I didn't have to listen to her perpetual nagging.
      Then, last year, I discovered that she was having an affair. Not only was she flitting around with her new "boyfriend" (as she called him), but she had also had two others, before him. *coughs a lot* And worse of all, she was picking up these men in the workplace. The very same workplace that she shared, with my Dad. So, he got to have all of this flaunted before him, five days a week...occassionally on weekends...and my faith in the institution of marriage, effectively flew out the window. Backwards. Now she has two grade school age children to warp, at her discretion. She took money out of savings to take them all to DisneyWorld. *raises her hand* Newsflash, lady? You never hauled me off to DisneyWorld? What's wrong, afraid I'd kick Mickey's ass? o_0
      Anyway, now she is moving out and dumping all the financial matters in my lap. Joyfully enough, though, I have gotten a subtle form of revenge. Now she can't look me in the eye and turns her face away when I stand right in front of her. Her voice trembles when I say my token hello's and goodbye's to her. She still complains about everything, but now she doesn't see fit to say anything negative around me. And for all she's put my Dad through, I wouldn't have it any other way. Because, damn it, I can be really f**king intimidating when I want to be? And right now, while my old Dad is still groveling at her feet and my brother is trying to ignore it all, I'm not going to let her forget that I know what she's done. Because I'm a vindictive bitch that way, when people I really love and get along with, get hurt. But due to my Dad's insistance, I can't say any harsh words about her, until she leaves. So, even years later, I'm still left having to bite my tongue around her and censor things before they fly out of my mouth, unheeded.
      I wish, though, that I could say them. Even if they would have come out condescending and dead sounding, like they always did when I opened my mouth from the 6th grade on up. But, there were many other reasons for me to sound like that, it can't all be traced to her. And I was, and still am, much too quiet in real life to say some things that I'm really thinking, outloud. Just once though, when she inevitably brings up that prom thing, I'd like to tell her what I've wanted to tell her for years.
      So, to make this short and get it out of my mind for good (hopefully), here is a very watered down example of what I'd say to her:
     
      "Mom, if you are indeed my mother? I actually tried to get a date for that prom, but no one wanted to go with a chick who wore a death shroud to school, and who painted a picture of a nuked corpse that got her hauled into the Principal's office because the art teacher hung it up outside the class...and I won that debate and it stayed up, too. Also, I am not capable of being pretty, nor would I ever want to be. There such a thing as being known for one's intelligence, and not being a shallow eternal youth-beauty whore. The rest of us will just grow old and look it, because one can't stay young forever. That's not the way things are supposed to work. Not all of us can be like you and fork out $10,000 for a face-overhaul, that Dad mistakenly paid for out of his retirement fund. By the way, all my friends call you Cher. So, I hope you, and your mid-life crisis, are very happy together after your face falls back down and your new 'boyfriend' kicks your ass to the curb because you look your age. Have a nice life."
     
      See? That's why I got 51% Bitch on that quiz. I also got 57% Bastard, so I guess it evens out somewhere. Now, maybe I can finally get some damn SLEEP. ^_~